My Favorite Quotes of All Time

"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped."- Marcel Achard

"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by."- Douglas Adams

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."- Douglas Adams

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."- Woody Allen

"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it."- Robert Heinlein

“Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”-Ritna Rudner

“Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.” –
Anonymous

“You laugh because I’m different, I laugh because you are all the same”—ME! (no it was anonymous)

“When life gives you lemons, make grape juice! Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.”—Anonymous

Mr. Weasly: “ERECTO!” (taken from the actual book)

Edward: “I hear voices in my head and you think YOU’RE the freak?”

Mrs. Weasly: “You’re prefect? Oh Ronnie! That’s everyone in the family!”
George: “What are Fred and I? Next door neighbors?”


Bella: “Jasper? What do vampires do at bachelor parties? You’re not taking him to a strip club, are you?

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."-Anonymous

"A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards, you need: A Heart to love him, A Diamond to marry him, A Club to smash his head in, and A Spade to bury the bastard."-Anonymous

"A good friend will comfort you when he turns you down; a best friend will go up to him and say 'It's because you're gay isn't it?'"-anonymous

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." -Mark Twain

"Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.' "-- Joe Namath

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home." -- Bill Cosby

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch." -- Jack Nicholson


"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib." -- Woody Allen

"And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room." -- Woody Allen

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." -- Rodney Dangerfield

"Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god."
Jean Rostand, Thoughts of a Biologist

"All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER." -- Dennis Leary

"My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions." -- Elayne Boosler

"This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?' "-- Judy Tenuta

"All good guys are either taken, gay, or fictional characters."- Anonymous

"If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks." -- Rita Rudner

"Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles." -- Roseanne Barr

"Man - a figment of God's imagination." -- Mark Twain

"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. "-- Demetri Martin

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"-Linda Ellerbee

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison." - Tim Allen

"Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella."- Mae West

"Men are like...Lava Lamps....Fun to look at, but not very bright."-Anonymous

"Men are like...Parking Spots...All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped."-Anonymous

"Did someone call for Captain Pork!?"-Ryan Stiles

"Why am I always on the bottom?" "Cause you're smaller." "This converstion sounds really perverted!"-I don't really know....

"I'm not stubborn! I'm passionate!" "You're stubborn, dumbass."-don't know....

"Does this say what or where?" "What." "Does this say what or where?" "...what." "Does this say what or where?" "I said what!!" -Raises voice- "Does this say what or where?!" "WHAT!! IT MEANS WHAT!" "Ohhh I thought you were saying what cuz you couldn't hear me..."-made up story whom i don't know of

"I shall kill your unborn children because of this.” “Yeah, well I… wait, what?”-again in a story of which i don't know of

"It's not yaoi." "It's yaoi for me!"-yay!! :)